The Wonderfully Weird World Of Hangover Cures

Weeknight parties sometimes yield incredibly amounts of fun until you wake up smelling and feeling like a brewery under siege. It horrible having to stagger into work with a full blown hangover so we suggest you eat a canary and rub a little citrus in your armpit, to help keep things together. And no, that was not a misplaced metaphor. Here we’ve put together a series of ridiculously improbable hangover cures that you might or might not want to try.

Roma Victrix
Granted, the Romans built glorious cities and immeasurably expanded humanity’s intellectual granary. But among those many gems and nuggets of genius, they also brought to light the amazing, hangover-annihilating powers of the canary. The crunchy, golden, deep-fried canary. Apparently advocated by Pliny the Elder, in ancient Rome a sure fire method to eliminate the pain of the morning after was to gobble down the small songbirds after they’d been dumped in a pot of boiling oil with a salt and pepper to taste.

A Tickle Of Pickle
Pickles are also quite popular with those who fancy a flood of sourness and spice in the morning. The Japanese eat ume – severely salted bits of pickled and dried plum that could make a goat gag. The Germans to whom hangovers come as naturally as blond hair and blue eyes usually sit down to a plate of rollmops (raw, pickled herring that is wrapped around a piece of onion and a gherkin). And the Mongolians, well, they treat themselves to a cure that goes firmly off the beaten track. Tradition in Mongolia dictates that tomato juice mixed with pickled sheep’s eyeballs will rehydrate and revitalize your body & mind. So, What are you waiting for? Get drunk, blind a sheep, live it large.

Dried Bull Penis
Dried bull penis. Yes. That’s what Sicilians chew on to restore virility and bring about an end to the post-party trauma. At the risk of being politically incorrect, we’ve severely underestimated the dark depths of Mafiosi machismo. But seriously, dried bull penis sounds more like something we might attempt at the peak of inebriated exhilaration and not during the ensuing crash.

Rabbitting About
With true pioneering spirit, the wagon driving peoples of the still unexplored United States found that tea made with rabbit faeces helped them spring out of bed in the morning and strike trail-blazing thunder into their oxen. We think they were making fun of a cultured British ritual and some dipsomaniac simply took the joke a little too far.

It’s Not Your Fault
Haitians don’t believe in blaming yourself for a night of heavy drinking and the resulting hangover. They blame the bottle instead. And in accordance with those beliefs, the local remedy for a dehydrated body and a splitting headache is to stick 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the offending bottle. Presumably, this sends away the evil juju. Man – 1, Bottle – 0.

Only Owls And Only Two
Greeks have an entirely different approach. They, for reasons unknown, prefer to tackle the vino hangover with a breakfast of sheep’s lungs and two owl eggs. No more than two, mind you, else it won’t work.

Firmly Grounded
The wonderfully lucky folk from the Emerald Isle bury both their dead and their dead drunk. With nausea, a splitting headache and aching muscles, an Irishman will tell you that the best thing to do is to bury yourself in wet river sand until it wears off. This may or may not work, but if you wake and find that everything south of your neck is underground, chances are the hangover won’t be eating away at your thoughts for very long.

The Ol’ Citrus Armpit Trick

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Well, if you’re in Puerto Rico, you rub a slice into your armpit and head out to get drunk. Supposedly. We’re a little sketchy on whether this actually happens, much less on whether it actually works, but if you’re doing the salsa all night long, count on smelling lemony fresh.

Carbs And Curds
Now this next cure is only on the list because given the borderline ridiculous methods we’ve seen so far, Canada’s poutine is without a doubt the tastiest hangover remedy we’ve heard of – fried potatoes topped with cheese curds and gravy and served with a pint of pale lager. All consumed in an effort to feel better, the Canadian way.

As A Gentleman Would
Also, on the list of cures is eggs Benedict – killing rich socialite hangovers since they were invented. In 1894. At the Waldorf Astoria Hotel. By a rich socialite called Samuel Benedict who’d had a particularly rough, cane-swinging, top-hat doffing night. Go figure.

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